Title:The Jacket
Author: Pi (me Rhea314)
Pairing: McShep
Rating: PG
Warnings: Set post The Shrine, spoilers for the Shrine, AU from there ignoring the rest of S5
Summary: It's been a week and Rodney still hasn't gotten around to returning the jacket John gave him when they went to the pier.


So the thing is, with all the excitement, and loss of brain function followed by surgery and his sister freaking out on him and crying by his bedside for three hours straight, with joy apparently at his recovery, he completely forgot about the jacket. When he's released from the infirmary a week later, pronounced fully recovered by a gratefully smiling and surprisingly interested Dr. Keller. Maybe near death experiences really did bring out the affection in others. Rodney remembers telling her he loved her. He also remembers yelling for John, and John's face saying that he wouldn't say goodbye. Rodney stands in his quarters, holding the jacket. Funny how after having everything taken away from him, he still remembers the entire experience. The feeling of not being able to remember, the desire to tell Keller because if he died he didn't want any regrets. And then at the end not caring anymore, except for John. John and his sister who were there, who brought him to the damn Shrine with their idiocy and inability to let well enough go. And while he remembers who livid he was. Who were they to torture him like that; he could have slipped away rather than being torn with full knowledge from life. But standing in his room, alive, breathing, able to remember pi to a full 40 places he understands Keller's, Jennifer's, grateful look. Only Rodney does remember, remembers how he felt with everything stripped away, beginning to forget what his mother was like, both a blessing and a curse. And so he puts the jacket on the back of the chair by the desk. He'll give it back to Sheppard the first chance he gets. Jennifer has suggested they go on a date sometime soon.

Rodney dives back into work as he always does. The grateful and overly affectionate looks begin to dissipate. After the fourth time he yells at Zelenka and the little Chezc man yells back, his hair seeming to rise up in indignation and Rodney finds himself laughing, almost hysterically at being alive, and back and able to fully berate Zelenka because he's just wrong and it's a miracle he's alive to be here because otherwise the city would be finished inside of a week. Zelenka sees his laughter and the tears in the corners of his eyes and stops mid hand gesture to rest a hand on Rodney's shoulders.
"I know he says. You are right, but you are still wrong." he points to one of his equations "You see this here. If this modifies what you are postulating..." Rodney snaps his fingers, composing himself and yelling for Simpson to 'bring him that thing' as he nods to Zelenka to continue because the Chezck bastard might just be on to something.

Three weeks after the Shrine and he still hasn't gotten around to returning Sheppard's jacket. It sits on the back of his chair, and he fingers it everyone once in a while, walking by on his way to meals and thinking that maybe he should return it, but something always distracts him, a call over the com or a brilliant idea and it continues to stay flung over the chair back in his room. Sheppard himself is all over the place, just as much with Rodney as usual, and yet far more distracted, called away to deal with marines or speak with Woolsey or get beat up by Ronon. He still brings Rodney meals in the lab when he misses dinner, and the occasional cup of coffee when he visits the labs. But more he's gone. Rodney's third date with Keller gets postponed because of a medical emergency from gate team 14 coming in hot, and Rodney wanders Atlantis looking for something else to do with his suddenly free evening while Keller preps for surgery. Much searching later turns up Ronon playing Mortal Kombat with some of the marines and three scientists. Rodney knocks on the door of the alcove and Ronon spares him a glance before he goes back to beating people up, virtually.
"Have you seen Sheppard?" Rodney asks. Ronon actually turns from the consol, though briefly.
"No, thought you had a date tonight McKay. Sheppard's gone, flown a trip to the mainland for Teyla."
"Oh." Rodney tries not to feel dissapointed. "Do you know when he'll be back?" he asks. Ronon shrugs one of his shoulders.
"He's generally gone until the next morning." Rodney frowns. He was one aware that Sheppard had been doing this. Normally Lorne or one of the others, not quite so crucial to central opperations of Atlantis fly hop over to the mainland. It's smallfry really, something Rodney's only known Sheppard to do out of extreme boredome, or mild stress. But while boredom did make some sense, they'd been grounded while Rodney recovered, Sheppard would usually take the mainland as a last ditch effort.
"Thanks." Rodney tosses over his shoulder to Ronon who's already absorbed back into the game, growling in a truly terrifying way.

Rodney's wanderings lead him out to one of the nearby balconies. It's vaguely chilly, causing the hairs to stand up on his arms. He rubs at them and considers going for a jacket, but John's jacket is still in his room and he's not sure he could wear it right now. It's John's jacket, not Sheppard's, and somehow that small distinction makes a difference. He hadn't remembered the name Sheppard. Jeanie had been kind enough not to mention it but Rodney saw her face that first day back in the infirmary when Keller came to give him more pain meds. Jeanie had disagreed with Keller, pulled rank by way of family as it were. And while Keller had been right, he hadn't wanted them to do that for him, Jeanie, and by extension John were right as well, maybe more right. "We did it because we love you." Jeanie had said something like that. And Rodney understood, he really, really did. If something like that had been happening to Jeanie...he shudders a little in the cool air. Well, he can understand where she's coming from. But then what did that say about Jennifer and John? John and his never leave a man down policy, with the vain hope, he'd still go back into the fray to pull someone out, dodging wraith to get Rodney to a mystical Shrine, no problem that fit right in with his world view, and Keller, ever the kind hearted healer, who could understand Rodney's own pain and heart and respect that. Both were signs of...something. Rodney stares at his fingernails until even he can find no way not to think. He hurries back inside, thoughts chasing him like wraith-projected ghosts.

John does return the following morning, but Rodney only knows because he sees the telltale hair ducking out of the mess as he enters. Teyla is sitting at a breakfast table, Tourin balanced on her lap. Rodney almost has to laugh as she motors applesauce on a spoon toward his mouth. Mothers are the same everywhere he supposes.
"Teyla!" he greets her warmly setting down his tray. She smiles up at a him.
"Good to see you Rodney. How was your date?" Rodney shrugs halfhearted.
"Didn't have one, SGA14 had a medical emergency and Jennifer had to go into surgery."
"Oh." Teyla looks back to Tourin, preparing another applesauce plane-spoon.
"I heard John took you to the mainland. I didn't know you were visiting. How's Kanan and everybody?" Rodney offered, biting into one of the really quite delicious breakfast muffins the cooks had started making a few weeks ago with a new grain shipment. They were almost minty.
"John offered to take me and I do take every chance to see my people. They're doing well, thanks."
"Oh, that's good." Rodney replied, processing the information, John had offered, definitely stressed or bored then. "Is he alright?"
"Who?"
"John, is he okay, he doesn't normally fly to the mainland for fun, and I know we're grounded but I'd have thought he'd be kicking virtual ass with Ronon or something?" Teyla regarded him steadily a long moment.
"I believe he flies to take his mind off things. You're...close call recently was quite stressful for him."
"It was stressful for me too! I mean it's been three weeks, I'm fine, what has he got to worry about?" Rodney whined.
"That is not for me to say. I simply take advantage of his flights to the mainland. Perhaps you should talk to him."
"I suppose so. I still have his jacket." Rodney wasn't sure why he'd added about the coat, but Teyla merely nodded agreement.

Rodney spent much of that night lying in bed, not asleep eyes slipping to the jacket hanging across the room, a ghostly figure in the moonlight. Rodney huffed and rolled over, but the feel of John's hands on his shoulders pressing the jacket against him and hustling him out the door weighed upon his mind.
In the morning Rodney picked up the jacket and slung it over his shoulder on the way to the mess hall. Only Rodney didn't see John at breakfast. He saw Ronon leaving, but no sign of the rest of their team. Rodney sighed and headed for the labs. When he got there, however they were freezing. Radek greeted him, wearing a thick wool sweater and a scarf wrapped around his head making him look like someone's crazy aunt in a Russian fairytale.
"It is not my fault. I do not have enough eyes to supervise everyone while you are sleeping in!"
"I didn't sleep in, I have five minutes until I have to be here. Now who do I have to yell at for messing with the environment controls?" Rodney raised his voice on the last bit. Radek grinned evilly and hooked a thumb towards a pair of scientists cowering and attempting to remain unnoticed in the far corner. Rodney wound up wearing John's jacket and not returning it, spending most of the day he should have been doing *real* work fixing the mistakes of idiots, but such was life in Atlantis.

After that, Rodney took to just wearing the jacket. He didn't have a good one of his own as it was and it was a nice jacket. The next week they were moved back up to active status. Rodney hadn't really forgot about the jacket, he was wearing it, but he'd put it out of his mind. He really had forgotten about it until Sheppard raised an eyebrow as Rodney buckled his tack vest while Woolsey oversaw the dialing of the gate. He didn't have a chance to respond before they were walking through the gate and emerged saying,
"It's a nice jacket, I kept meaning to return it to you, but...remind me when we get back to Atlantis, okay?" John only smiled, directing Ronon to come scout the area with him while Rodney and Teyla guarded the gate before they moved further inland.

When they returned from their mission Rodney knew he would have to do something soon. He just wasn't sure what. Jennifer commented on his new jacket later that evening over a candlelit dinner (her cooking). Rodney cleared his throat, oddly embarrassed. "John gave it to me, back before...I'd had a nightmare and couldn't remember much of anything so I went to get John."
"And he gave you his jacket."
"I was cold I guess, rather freaked out and all that." Jennifer's smile softened and she took his hand across the table.
"I'm so glad you're here Rodney." Rodney cleared his throat again and gave her a genuine smile.
"I am too." Jennifer looked beautiful, wearing a blue non-regulation shirt, her hair up in a clip, little wisps falling out around her neck, a bright, sparkling smile. "I am one incredibly lucky guy." She laughed and tapped his hand playfully, not quite a smack. Rodney grinned back. He was dating a beautiful woman and had his whole life in front of him. He was the head of science on a mission to another galaxy with the most amazing friends he could ever have and a sister who might not be on the same planet, or part of the universe, but one who loved him no less for it. And yet, Rodney fingered to cuff the jacket and mentally berated himself for being an idiot. Things were perfect as they were. Which of course meant that it wasn't going to stay that way.

Teyla was off the mainland again, Tourin with her, and Ronon was at a LAN party with the group that had grown up around the set up of a joint scientist-marine network for the purpose of gaming. It was "team night" but seeing as the only two members of the team not occupied were Sheppard and himself Rodney had assumed that it wasn't going to happen and so he'd pulled out one of the (totally wrong) journals he'd had sent over on the most recent Deadalus run so that he could tear them to shreds, and keep abreast of the utter moronic ideas the field of astrophysics was purporting these days. A soft chime came at the door and Rodney nodded absently to let whoever it was who'd come to distract him enter. It was Sheppard. Rodney quickly closed his journal, then thought better of it and sat unmoving as Sheppard entered the room.
"Hello, what brings you here?" Rodney asked. John shrugged. I got the Dr. Who Christmas Special, thought you might be interested. Rodney perked up at that.
"I can't believe I didn't know it was out yet!"
"You were a little, incapacitated at the time."
"Oh right. Well, come on!" Rodney gestured to his laptop and scooted over, not putting down the journal. "Popcorns on the desk under those papers." Sheppard raised an eyebrow at him but went to make the popcorn while the laptop attempted to open Sheppard's burned DVD copy of the Special.

Sheppard returned and Rodney nervously scooted over more to make room. Thankfully Dr. Who was as entertaining as ever and Rodney lost himself in the show, not needing to focus extra at concentrating only on David Tennet’s antics. Sheppard was surprisingly quiet beside him but Rodney put that too out of his mind. It was only when the Special was over and he'd shut down his laptop did he realize he'd been using Sheppard's crumpled jacket as a back pillow.
"Uh." He said turning around and gesturing towards it, lying in a wad on his bed, resting against the wall. "That' s your jacket...I mean, you can have it back if you like. Sorry it's, wrinkled." Sheppard didn't say anything a moment. Then he nodded and picked the jacket up, shaking it out and folding over his arm.
"Not a problem." Sheppard says standing. There’s another silence and Rodney knows he has to say something.
"Thanks for the Dr. Who." Sheppard shrugs and throws a careless smile.
"I know you like it."
"I do, I really do. It was fun. We should, ah, do it again sometime...I mean, the Easter Special’s coming out soon. And then there'll be a new doctor and..." Rodney waves his hands for emphasis and Sheppard grins and nods.
"Yeah, maybe. Well McKay. I'll see you." he starts walking towards the door and Rodney knows he should leave well enough alone, but he's selfish, like John is selfish and this was one regret he'd never thought he'd have because he had known, always known that he'd never forget John. John was the person he'd say goodbye to at the end.

"Hey, John?" Rodney says, his voice smaller than he would like, but Sheppard halts and turns like he's been yelled at, startled by the name. "Thanks." Rodney says, hoping that his face conveys what he's trying to say. "Thanks for the jacket, and for not saying goodbye." Sheppard nods, takes a step forward. It's not hesitant but neither is it the almost swagger Sheppard usually uses taking up the floor to get from here to there.
"No problem buddy." He says placing a comforting hand on Rodney's shoulder, his voice kind but his eyes inquiring.
"I never forgot you." Rodney says, and now he can't look away from Sheppard's, John's eyes. His heart is beating like he's facing a firing squad, or a wraith, but his chest feels close to a different sort of bursting even if the adrenaline is the same.
"I know." John answers, his head held at a slight angle. Rodney's hands make a grasping motion and before he can fully register his own thought process he's grasping John's neck, bringing his head down do their forehead's touch together, John's hand on his shoulders, his hand's cupping John's neck. His breath is harsh and John's too intensely close, so he stares instead at John's clavicle, it's a sensible enough place to rest the eyes.
"I never forgot you. I could never forget you." Rodney says with desperate conviction. John is frozen, the heat from his breath ghosting across Rodney's cheeks and making him want to shiver, want to tear himself away and burrow himself into the warmth of John's jacket. John's jacket still barely smells like John, less now that it had, the scents of coffee and the lab seeping in changing the subtle flyboy smell to the more mundane scientist.

John pulls away and Rodney's heart squeezes, another flash of adrenaline, this one closer to fear. Panic. I've read him wrong. I'm making this all up. Rodney's mind flails. He thinks of Jennifer and how even at the end she was still a pretty face and his stomach clenches with bile and he feels awful. He should know to leave well enough alone. But John doesn't step away, letting his hand drop from Rodney's shoulder but still standing close enough Rodney is sure John can feel him vibrating.
"Hey, buddy." John says, voice warm with concern, he brings a hand up to cup Rodney's cheek and Rodney can almost feel his legs sag, has to lock his knees to keep upright, but John's gaze is still to quizzical.
"Yes?" Rodney says, and it's sharp and bright and too fast. But John just grins and shrugs a little; pulling a goofy face Rodney has no idea how to interpret.
"I got it, okay. Yeah. Rodney, yeah. I couldn't forget you either." And now John is stepping away, but his hand is trailing down Rodney's arm to intertwine with his fingers and give them a firm squeeze. "Rodney." he says, and his voice has a smile in it, joy that Rodney can feel like sunshine and John's shoulders are relaxed in a way that Rodney hasn't seen for over a month and it looks to him like laughter, the kind that comes from relief and utter happiness. Rodney feels an answering smile on his own face; he squeezes John's hand back.
"What about Jennifer?" John asks. Rodney frowns. He does like Jennifer, she's beautiful and sweet and she likes him unlike so many others, but he's here and John Sheppard is holding his hand. Rodney thinks and he knows Jennifer, of anyone will understand. She wouldn't have taken him to the Shrine. She'll understand what he has to say before he even speaks. He thinks of their last date and he wonders if she already knew before he did.
"I think Jennifer will understand." Rodney whispers and John nods considering it.
"Yeah, I think you're right. Well, do you want to go raid the mess and see if there's any desert left for a late night snack?"
"Okay." Rodney grins, feeling energy arcing from his toes to his forehead and out along his hand. He feels like bouncing up and down, but John is tugging him out the door by his hand. He doesn't let go until part way down the corridor, but when he does, John companionably bumps shoulders with Rodney and Rodney knows he has no regrets. Neither of them.